Positively Passionate – The Negative Power of DON’T!

Living a positive life does not start and end with you, it must encompass all aspects of what you do on some level. Negativity is a powerful demon, that has a major impact on all things it comes into contact with, and none suffers more from the power of negativity than our intimate relationships.

Most of the relationship advice we read or receive comes in the form of “don’ts“, and much of our love lives are spent trying to avoid fighting with our partner.couple-arguing

Although this is all well and good, if you are aiming for positivity in your life, you must also aim for it in your relationship. Focusing on the “don’ts” is a good way to start, but it is not the ‘positive’ way to approach any subject. Just as you would with other areas of your life, you need to consider the “do’s” in order to truly invite positive energy into your mind, and in this case, your heart.

I have said it before on this blog, and I will say it time and time again, Negativity Breeds Negativity! This is no different in a relationship then it is in a friendship, a career or a self-image. If you are constantly focused on the don’ts of something, you are simply inviting in more don’ts to deal with. Review the link I have incorporated above, it is the first post I wrote on this site and it explains the importance of positivity as well as the basics of how it works with your thoughts. These theories can be applied to all aspects of your life, and they always work in the same way.

What we are most focused on is what we are inviting into our life.

This theory can pose major problems in relationships, where people tend to think more with their hearts than with their heads. When we get involved in intimate relationships with another person, we often push our own thoughts and needs aside. Although it is wonderful to be conscious of how your actions impact your partner, it is also important that you remain focused on how your ‘thoughts‘ are impacting you. It is important to remember that in a relationship everything that happens to you, happens to your partner too. Again, negativity breeds negativity, and it spreads like wildfire.

When we become unaware of the hidden negativity in our minds it begins to manifest and grow, often times without us even knowing it is occurring. Before you know it you have created a whole bunch of negative situations that you were trying to avoid in the first place, but because you were so focused on the thought of ‘not‘ creating them, you actually brought them upon yourself.

This may seem unfair, and it is, but the universe does not know the differences between want/don’t want. It does not hear words, it senses focus. 

When you consider this you can understand how being ‘focused‘ on what you ‘don’t‘ want can create exactly what you were trying to avoid.

Think of it like talking to a two-year-old. The two-year-old doesn’t understand why they can’t do it, they just know they want to. If you are not very clear of what it is you want from a child, they will go right back to what they think you want. These are rarely the same idea.

When you are talking to the universe (through your thoughts) you have to be sure you are clear about what you “DO” want in your life.

If you are the type that must assess the don’ts, then at least do it in a positive way.
Sit down, either with your partner or alone, and create a list of all the things you ‘don’t‘ want to have or do relationship wise. Once you have compiled this list use another piece of paper to create an exact polar of what you have written.
Take all of these DON’Ts and turn them into DO’s.

For Example:

I DON’T want to fight about money = I DO want to be able to communicate openly about our finances.

I DON’T want to lie to you/you to me = I DO want an open and honest relationship built on trust.

I DON’T want name calling when we argue = I DO want respect.

I DON’T want to feel alone = I DO want security, stability, attention.

Every single negative has a positive. Just like a battery or a magnet.
(hence the law of attraction)

Once you have created your list of DO’s, get rid of the list of DON’Ts. Trash it, rip it, burn it, whatever you need to do to avoid ever focusing on it again. Your list of DO’s is what you want, and it is what your thoughts should stay focused on. I have a list of DO’s hanging on my bedroom wall and I have a few others pinned around the house as a constant reminder of all the things I DO want in life. There are many different things on these lists from what I DO want in a partner, to what I DO want from my career. I even made a list of DO’s for my children. Positivity is a very powerful thing, and is very well received by children who are naturally optimistic.

How many times a day do you say the word DON’T?
Five? Ten? Twenty?

Most people can not answer this question, because they have no idea. DON’T has become one of those automatic words like ‘The’, ‘And’ or ‘At‘. We don’t  even realize we are saying it because it has been conditioned into our lives.

I obviously ‘don’t’ mean the regular use of the word as written here, or when used in daily conversation, but instead the use of it when explaining what we DO want from others and/or life.

Take some time to listen to yourself when someone asks you what you DO want. Is your automatic response to list what you DON’T?

Chances are it is.

Dont just dontThis auto-response is even more prominent in relationships, and the frequency of this word in arguments is immeasurable. For some reason the moment we are upset we start listing off the things we DON’T want to have happen.

How often have you used the word DON’T to your partner? How many times have you used it when discussing your partner to others?

Quite a bit, I’m willing to guess.

Over the next while make a conscious effort to replace these DON’Ts with DO’s and see what happens. You can not use the word DO in a negative phrase, so anything you say will come across in a positive manner.

The result will be mind-blowing!

Not only does using the word DO sound positive, it creates a positive reaction as well. When you have argued with your partner in the past chances are you have said some things you wish you hadn’t, we all have. The beauty of the word DO is that everything you say will have to be positive, and it will eliminate any chance of regret.

For Example:

Let’s say your partner has been distant lately, and you are feeling lonely and alone. Your goal is to have your partner understand how you are feeling, and make the choice to act in a way that helps to resolve the issue. Whether it be spending more time with you, or showing more affection.

Most people’s fights/disagreements/discussions go something like this:
*Please Note these roles can easily be reversed*

Man: I’m going out with the guys Friday night to watch the game.

Woman: Again, you just went out with them on Tuesday. 

Man: Yeah, but it’s hockey season and these are the play-offs. 

Woman: I understand that, but we DON’T really have time together anymore.  I feel like you DON’T want to have fun with me. 

Man: We went out together last Thursday, to see that movie. You DON’T even like hockey, or I’d ask you to come. 

Woman: I DON’T want to go out with you and your friends to watch hockey. 

Man: Well DON’T tell me we DON’T do anything then, because I try to ask you and you DON’T want to. I’m not going to give up my hockey night just because you DON’T want to go. 

Woman: I didn’t say I DON’T want you to go. I was just surprised that you are going again when you just went the other night. It’s fine I DON’T care!


Now this argument/discussion has a number of issues within it, many of them will have to be addressed at another time, for now we are going to focus on the use of the word DON’T.

Instead of telling her partner what she DOES want/need from him, this woman was focused on what he currently DOESN’T do.  The word DON’T can be harmless, but in a relationship it can make one small thought into one big issue.

This example was brief, and perhaps a little unrealistic, but the result is what is important.
What was the result?
There was no result, and that is the problem.

When you choose to have a discussion in a relationship it is usually because you are looking to change something that is happening. Perhaps it is a need you have, or a behavior you dislike. Either way the mission is usually to resolve the issue. When we approach problems with the word DON’T we open the door for a negative reaction.

How many times have we told our partners, “I DON’T like it when you do that.” without giving them an example of what we DO like??

Do you see how the word DON’T opens up the conversation, but never closes it behind itself?

That is because it is a negative term that sends out a negative vibration; and in turn brings back the same negativity it sent out in the first place, without change.

The discussion above would go very differently using the word DO or other similar positive terms.

For Example:

Man: I’m going out with the guys Friday night to watch the game.

Woman: Again, you just went out with them on Tuesday.

Man: Yeah, but it’s hockey season and these are the play-offs. 

Woman: I understand that, but DO you think that we could DO something together sometime soon. I have felt a little left out and would love to spend some time together. 

Man: Yes. We can DO that. We went to the movies last Thursday, that was fun. We could DO something like that again.


Do you see how the elimination of the word DON’T changed the entire direction of the conversation?

When the woman said DON’T in the first example, the man immediately got defensive, and probably thought she wanted him to stop doing what he was doing at that moment. The conversation go sidetracked, and the woman did not get to express her needs at all. There was no resolution, and this couple would have been doomed to relive this scenario again at another time.

In fact, it is the constant use of the word DON’T (and other negative phrases) that cause endless battles between couples because the issues they are aiming to discuss never get heard.

It is important that we focus on all the things you DO want, whether you are currently in a relationship and trying to express your needs, or looking for a relationship and trying to understand what you are actually looking for. Knowing what you DO want and sharing it with others helps you to achieve those things. It also makes it easier for others (and the universe) to give them to you.

For the next few weeks listen to your words and make an effort to eliminate the word DON’T from your vocabulary. When someone asks you what you’re looking for in a relationship, career and life, or when you are thinking about it yourself, take all those DON’Ts and turn them in to DO’s. Invite these things into your life with an open mind, and an open heart.
Reread the post HERE on the importance of positivity, as well as the others on this site to help you get yourself in the habit of thinking in a more positive way.

And Remember…
Happiness begins and ends with you. It is a choice, not a circumstance. Open up to it and allow it in.



Until Next Time…

DO the best you can. 

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